I’ve died so much on the inside that I am thinking of allowing the outside to follow suit. Love yourself, find your bliss, confront your fears, do what you love … all these things I’ve been told, all these things are far beyond my reach. What I lack, need, desire, is love, true, real, honest love. I need that more than I need the air to breathe to keep this failing body going another day. Not only as a recipient, but as the giver of. I long to be able to openly love again, to be happy, to have those endorphin's kick in and my pupils expand and my skin to pimple every time I see my, certain someone, and know that those sensations are returned in like. That’s never going to happen though. I am not that man, I am not any man actually, just a beat, whipped and terribly abused little boy stuck in a body not of his liking or making. Forever afraid and forever quick to judge and hate and think the worst of people instead of the best. Forever afraid.

Evenings are the toughest. The hardest time to stay present, and not fade away. I struggle with the fact that there truly is no one in my life, no one that really cares, and would be deeply touched should something untimely happen to me. I NEED someone, so terribly badly, I am so very afraid to be alone much longer. It is no longer enough, it never was, but I now know that there's no use in waiting anymore. There isn't going to be anyone, ever again. Apparently I'm not worth the trouble or effort. I'm done.

Here and now, in the beginning, let a new life, a new perspective come to fruition. I'll do myself the kindness and unburden myself here in the hopes that it will prove cathartic. I am floundering and struggling on a daily basis and find that it is getting harder to stay present. My mind (and heart) wander and dream of a place (and person) that is not to be, can never be. There’s no one to tell, there’s no one to share with, no one to bare myself to, to whisper of my shattered dreams, no one to tell about the barbs of pain that wrap not only my body but my soul, the very core of my soul, no one to share the hidden corners with, no one to hold and stand hand in hand and gaze upon the rising sun, or its setting in all its glory. No one to keep me from falling farther, no one to keep me from letting the light escape, no one. Ever will I try to improve myself through research and through meditation in the hopes I'll find peace, or a semblance thereof in this lifetime of yearning and learning. There's a lesson hidden in every lifetime, and it's ours to find.